I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I pour the whiskey from now on
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
