I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
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