im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Randomize