Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Randomize
