im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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