Swine flu is the new snow day.
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
