I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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