look no pants
What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
do you believe in love at first sight?
awwwwww =)
yea.. so can i have your sisters number? thanks!
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
