Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Randomize
