I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Randomize
