I wish my penis had an off switch
Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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