Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
