they need to just BURY HIM!
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Randomize
