I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
