hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
this just has baby written all over it
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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