Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
you told grandpa to call you daddy
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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