Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
