I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
