You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Randomize
