seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
We left the knife in your bed.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Randomize
