Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
