booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
