it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
