M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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