Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
