I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
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I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
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so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
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