hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Randomize
