I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Randomize
