I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize
