oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
I wish there were birth control emojis
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I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
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Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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