Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Randomize
