I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
