Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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