Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
