My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
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