You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
