I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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