He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
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