Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
even my farts smell like vagina
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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