ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Randomize
