My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
