the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
