apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
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