how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Randomize
