Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
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