I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
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