great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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