are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
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