Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
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