eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.