gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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