I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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