I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
you will always have a special place in my vag
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Randomize
