his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
