I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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